A Puzzling Conceit – BEER SNOBS
Let’s take beer. No, seriously, have a beer. Have another. Don’t worry – the Bistro can order some more – we’ll get the breweries working overtime.
Be proud. You are perpetuating a tradition of thousands of years.
In Mesopotamia, the oldest evidence of beer is believed to be a 6,000-year-old Sumerian tablet depicting people consuming a drink through reed straws from a communal bowl. … Beer may have been known in Neolithic Europe as far back as 5,000 years ago, and was mainly brewed on a domestic scale.
ADVENT OF THE BEER-SNOB
Some citizens act like they are better than others – higher in breeding, taste of intelligence than “the masses”. They consider themselves a superior breed (particularly if they have an inherent inferiority complex or are gripped with lifelong insecurity, like a certain “Agent Orange”). They attempt to set themselves apart – higher on the totem pole – by their behavior, purchases and condescending decision as to who merits associating with them. In short, they are snobs.
Wine snobs are great bores and elite parasites, who will drone on for hours and hours about “bouquet” and “body” and claim to be able to tell the year and vineyard a certain bottle emerged from. During their “wine-tasting” ceremony they won’t even indulge in the pleasure of swallowing a sip of wine but will instead spit it out. Disgustingly humorous actually.
BUT BEER WAS JUST BEER
It is the humblest and most easy-going and democratic of all hard drink. Not only that: it is ancient:
Beer is the oldest recorded recipe in the world. The ancient Egyptians first documented the brewing process on papyrus scrolls around 5,000 B.C. These first beers were brewed with things like dates, pomegranates, and other indigenous herbs, and were probably quite harsh by today’s standards.
Just to make sure
the customer’s no dead-beat,
pays for all those grand rounds of drinks
he’s been ordering for the patrons,
here’s a receipt for the drink
from a honky-tonk in Iraq… 4000+ years ago.
Egyptian Pyramid builders were paid in beer
The builders of the Giza pyramids in Egypt received wages in the form of bread and beer rations. Researchers have said that the Egyptians “made beer from barley and that was their daily drink”. The graves of these builders have also been reportedly found preserved with jars of beer.
“You don’t buy the beer – you just rent it.”
So what happened to give birth to a race of useless beer drones? What indeed is a “beer snob” and what rock did they crawl out from under?
Those individuals who regard any beer that they do not drink as <insert 4 legged mammal here> piss. Completely ignorant of climate, context, and social class, beer snobs are contemptuously dismissive of any beer that a mortal cannot walk across like Jesus Christ did across the water.
Beer snobs are tedious bores, assuming that any beer which doesn’t meet their definition of “adequately pretentious” is drunk out of ignorance.
“Here, have this Pacifico.”
“I don’t drink goat piss. Give me a Schteupereiner – warm! With a fork and knife!”
“It’s 104 degrees out.”
“So?”
“We don’t have any Schteupereiner. All we have is this, which our daughter brought home from college. It’s some kind of microbrew from Oregon, something called “Neu Dungcastle Pine Chocolate Honey Garlic Walnut Porter.”
“Does it cost at least $12.00 for a six pack?”
“I don’t know. It looks like she just bought the bottle for…it looks like $8.00.”
“Yeah, gimme that. You are philistines, the lot of you! And make sure you give me a room temperature glass! I don’t want any condensation on those chilled glasses you keep around watering down my beer!”
“Here you go!”
“THAT….is a PILSENER GLASS. Are you trying to start shit?”
“You sir, are a motherfucking beer snob – a relentless elitist of poor character and abject dicketry. And now, you die. ENGARDE!”
by Quag7 March 05, 2008
You can blame technology. Beer-snobbery has only come to pass with the rise of the microprocessor-controlled brew of the micro-brewery, and a million zillion brazillion brands and “craft beer” brews that an elite class of cognoscenti has erected itself from the fermenting foam. Fruit beers, veggie beers, weird beers and unspeakable ones. Bottoms up, UGH.
Why do the beer-snobs take themselves so seriously?
For Fuck-Sake, Jake, BEER IS FUNNY. FUN, AND FUNNY TOO.
…and of course this classic, which you will find proudly displayed in saloons, honky-tonks, dives, holes-in-the-wall and other such emporia around the planet:
You sure won’t find any snooty beer-snobs at the world’s Number One beer celebration: YEP, I’m talking about
…which should be happening right now…
except ALAS! for the unwelcome visitation of DAS
…so no gatherings for a while, BOO HOO. We can’t even celebrate in Jakarta, thanks to you, mean old virus you.
No more of these happy, NON-SNOBBY beery scenes at YaUdah Bistro, home of fine Euro-Asian eats like nowhere else in Indonesia. No in-house eating for the moment, alas. You’ll have to order our swift, accurate and right-priced takeaway, and hold your own home-made Oktoberfest while hiding out at your residence.
And what a choice of beers to select from. But why select? Order them all, Paul!
